I'm Slowly Dying, Yet I Feel so Alive
by bittersweet02
Summary: Lovina Vargas was a normal girl once upon a time, yet she hides a dark secret nobody knows about. This secret will make her "better". Trigger Warning: Distorted Body Images, Depression, Eating Disorders, and Favoritism/Abandonment. T Rating.
1. Prologue

" Now how many days in a year  
She woke up with hope  
But she only found tears  
And I can be so insincere  
Making her promises never for real"

-3 Doors Down, Story of a Girl

Lovina Vargas started off as a normal person. Where we first meet her, she is eight years old. After her mother tragically passed during the childbirth of her younger brother Feliciano, the two were left to stay with their grandfather. Romulus Vargas cared for both of his grandchildren, but it was obvious to anyone that he cared for the youngest more than Lovina. In this first glimpse in to the past, she and her younger brother (who was only six at the time) were painting in their room. Of course, being how young they are, the paintings were both very childish looking. Childish as they were though, Feliciano's painting was beautiful. Lovina's was good too, but for some reason Romulus was in love with his little Feli's. Taking the painting in one strong arm and his grandson in the either, he walked in to the living room with them to show his friends.

"Look how amazing my little grandson's work is! He's my little Picasso!" the doting caretaker exclaimed. Being the oblivious person he is, he didn't notice the crying little girl standing in the doorway with a wet painting in her hands.

Time skip to when Lovina was fifteen, her brother was still the favorite of their grandfather and everyone else. Within the last seven years, Lovina had turned from a happy sociable girl in to an angry, jealous, and sour young woman. For years she had been pushed aside time after time again, whether it be from ex-boyfriends or girlfriends, her grandfather, her "friends", her teachers, or her crushes, they all chose thirteen-year-old Feliciano over the older Italian.

We come in on a time where the "happy" family is eating dinner. Feliciano had just come home from soccer practice and was eating all the pasta that could fit in his mouth, and Lovino was shoveling tomato sauce covered noodles on to her plate.

"Lovina? I just wanted to talk to you about that…" Grandpa Rome trailed off (that's what they called him).

"Talk to me about what?" Lovino looked up from her plate. Just when she was about to start eating too!

"You know what I'm talking about! Your eating habits Lovina! Look how much you're gaining, bella. That's not healthy." For once, the always joyful man looked serious and slightly angry.

"My eating habits are perfectly fine! Why are you on about this anyway? Feli is eating double my amount and he's two years younger! Why should you give a damn what the hell I eat?" Lovina counter argued.

" _If anything you should be more like him!_ I'm worried about you Lovina! You're fifteen years old and weigh 145 pounds! You _should_ be around 130 pounds, but you eat too much! The reason your brother eats that much and stays fit is because he does sports and has a high metabolism, but you don't have an excuse. At this rate, you'll have diabetes by age 30!" The Italian man (for once) screamed at his granddaughter. "It doesn't help that you swear like a sailor and have a sour disposition!"

Lovina was shocked. Why would he say all that to her? Doesn't he know how low her self-esteem already was? And with that, Lovina pushed her plate forward and ran upstairs with tears in her eyes.

That was the breaking point for Lovina. Now at age seventeen, Lovina had finally noticed all of the comments she's gotten about her weight.

"Hey sorella? Do you want to go for a run with Monika and I? It will help you get more boys~" Feliciano said once.

"You should not be wearing those pants bro! You've got a muffin top!" Gillian said the other day.

"Here you can borrow my sweater! It's too big for me anyway!" "Matthew said after Lovina got coffee spilt all over her chest.

After Matthew, her best friend and sweetest guy ever, had commented something about her obvious gluttony (albeit incidentally), she figured everybody else could notice how unlikable she was if even he could notice. 'So', Lovina thought to herself, 'I guess I'll just have to work hard to make myself better, won't I?'

It has been a few months since that fated day. This is where the _actual_ story begins.

* * *

 **A/N: Alright, I am so sorry that I wrote this. I know it sucks, yet I just need to get these thoughts out. To be completely honest, I'm putting my plain raw thoughts in to this so I'm sorry if I offend anybody. Before I get any comments about romanticizing eating disorders, I'm not. I haven't actually had a diagnosed eating disorder, but this is based completely on personal thoughts and people I know. I don't want to go out of my way to hurt anybody, so if you get triggered by this kind of thing, please don't read this.**


	2. Chapter 1

"And how can the world want me to change  
They're the ones that stay the same  
They can't see me  
But I'm still here

They can't tell me who to be  
'Cause I'm not what they see  
Yeah, the world is still sleepin' while I keep on dreaming for me  
And their words are just whispers and lies that I'll never believe"

-John Rzeznik, I'm Still Here (from Treasure Planet)

 _ **BEEP!  
BEEP!  
BEEP!  
BEE**_-

I smack the top of my alarm, making it finally shut the hell up. Ugh. It's a Monday. Fuck. My stomach hurts like hell, but at least this is the sixth day of my fast! One more day, and it'll have been a week! I groggily crawl out of my bed like I have been barely able to do lately for some reason.

After putting on my uniform, brushing my teeth, and taming my hair like I do every morning, I start to pad downstairs. At the table, Feliciano and Monika are sitting and eating breakfast.

"Ve~! Buon giourno mio sorella!" Feliciano chirps in his annoying high pitched voice.

"Lovina." Monika says curtly. The emotionless bitch that for some reason always lets my brother hang around her is sitting at _my_ kitchen table. Oh hell to the no.

"Why is that potato licker here?" I demand

The German turns a bright scarlet, and turns to glare at my brother.

"Why don't you tell her _Feli_." Monika seethes.

"Hehehehehehe….about that… Well Monika said I could call her if I ever got scared right? Well I heard you mumbling in your sleep and I got scared because I thought it was a ghost trying to kill me and I called her at like two in the morning and she came here and she ended up sleeping in my room with me and now we're here! Please don't kill me, I'm an innocent virgin!"

Feliciano might as well have daggers in his back with the way the fellow young woman in the room was glaring at him. "One, I barely got any sleep last night, and two you're barely a virgin!"

"…What do you mean barely a virgin?"

"You know what I mean."

"Oh, the other night…right….that didn't count! It wasn't all of the way!"

At this moment I most likely look like a tomato like Antonio was always saying I did.

"I'm leaving for school!" I say fervently, rushing out the door (without breakfast or with a lunch in my bag).

They didn't even notice me leaving.

Of course.

That was to be expected for me.

Walking in to the school yard after an uneventful fifteen minute walk, I bump in to my best friend (though I would never admit it out loud) Antonio Fernandez-Carriedo. "Hey chica!" he greets me.

"Hi Antonio." I pretend to groan. I'm actually pretty happy to see him, but I need to keep up my façade so people will like me more when I'm skinnier and "nicer". For now, I need to wear baggy clothes over my uniform and act angry so people won't notice my hard work until I'm done fixing myself. Maybe then, I'll be happy.

"Are you okay? You're looking a bit pale, querido." Antonio asks me. He's probably faking it; nobody can actually care for me. At least, not _now_ , but soon. When I'm more desirable, which is just out of my grasp. All I need to do is keep to my diet, and all will be fine. I will be fine.

"I'm fine you bastard, now stop looking like a kicked puppy." I glare at him. "Alright! If you're fine, then I'll just go talk to Bella! See you at lunch!"

Why do I feel so sad at the fact that he left me here so he could go to see Bella? She's a nice, trustworthy, skinny, and beautiful girl, so she isn't exactly posing a threat to his physical wellbeing, so why do I feel the need to punch her in the throat? This isn't normal, is it?

A few minutes later, the bell rings to go to class. Up until lunch, the day is super damn boring, but of course I sit through it. When it is finally time for lunch, I start getting really stressed. I always do, it's nothing out of the ordinary, but I have to come up with a new excuse for not eating every time. Sometimes it's "I forgot my lunch at home" or "I'm feeling sick" or sometimes even "Why do you even care idiot?". I'm thinking today I'll head to the girls bathroom and stay there for the twenty minute lunch period.

When the lunch actually comes, I just head straight to the crappy ladies room (no pun intended). I sit on there and read on my phone until exactly two minutes before the next lunch period starts it. Right as I'm about to leave to go to my Public Speaking class, in comes my brother basically eating Monika's face with her legs around him and him carrying her. Oh fuck no.

"God dammit Feli! Keep it in your pants!" I screech while storming out of the bathroom. I am so fucking done with this.


	3. Chapter 2

"You say they're just pieces, so I'm puzzled, cause the shit I hear is crazy

But you're either gettin' lazy or you don't believe in you no more

Seems like your own opinions, not one you can form

Can't make a decision you keep questionin' yourself

Second guessin' and it's almost like your beggin' for my help

Like I'm your leader, you're supposed to fuckin' be my mentor

I can endure no more I demand you remember who you are"

-Eminem, I Need a Doctor

After the little bathroom…incident…the potato bitch can't even look me in the eye without cringing. Nobody asked a word when I stormed out of the bathroom in to the hallway after seeing my brother groping and making out with his "best friend". Tch, sure. Best friend. Yeah right, because best friends totally suck their friend's dick. Totally. Completely normal.

Ugh, my head hurts like friggin hell. Lately, I've also been feeling really dizzy for no apparent reason. The other day I was picking up a Gatorade at the grocery store (Which I had been living off of lately. The strawberry-watermelon ones are the shit.), and I almost fell down because I couldn't stop my head from spinning.

At least I've been keeping up my diet and lost a lot of weight in a little more than two months. Within those two and a half months, I've lost 43 pounds! The most I eat in a week is one serving of low-fat Greek yoghurt and one or two handfuls of grapes. The only downsides are that my hair is falling out more and it's hard to get up in the morning. Other than that, everything is going as planned.

I finally wake up after trying to move for like ten minutes. I feel like a complete bag of smashed assholes. Of course, I know I still need to go to school. That part's obvious. Along with a perfect personality and body, I need to obtain perfect grades (okay, not quite perfect, but I'm trying!) to be the perfect package deal.

My school has a really stupid uniform. For the girls' uniform, there is a white button-up blouse, black tie with the school insignia, and a plaid red form-fitting school girl skirt with suspenders. We also have the option to wear a cream or navy blue sweatshirt over it with the same stupid insignia. I throw on the wretched uniform, put on white tights, and lastly put on my dark blue sweatshirt that's at least two sizes too big. I then hurriedly rush out of the door, avoiding Feliciano's eyes.

Once I get to school, I notice out of the corner of my eye that Antonio is talking to Bella. Again. He's done this almost every day for the last two months, all the while completely wiping me from his mind. I feel my tears start to bead up, but I will myself to keep them in. Why am I so fucking emotional lately? I can't be on my period; I haven't had one in a while. It feels as though someone is taking my innards and squeezing them. It also can't be hunger pains; I sucked on a mint this morning before I left. That should have filled me for the day, so why the holy fuck am I hurting?

Anyways, the day goes by, lunch is spent hiding as usual, and I then I finally get to go the fuck home after having to survive this hell-hole of a school. Home isn't much better though, and freaking Feli is the reason why.

I walk in to the living room, and throw my shit down as per usual. Except usually Feliciano would be getting home a little bit later than I (because of soccer), but for some reason he was on the couch groaning with a potato bitch feeding him some sauerkrautsuppe. If you can't tell, it's some stupid German crap. What I don't get is how he can eat so much food every day and still stay stick-thin, but I eat less than a baby in a week and still stay a fat-ass. Just another thing that Feli has and I never will. Shit, now I'm depressed and it's his girlfriend's entire fault!

"Hey dipshit, why didn't you tell me you were staying home from school? I could have stayed home and helped you!" I yell at him. I truly am worried for him, but as I said before, I need to keep up my angry façade. "Ve~, I'm sorry Lovina! I was going to tell you but you left for school early again and I was still sleeping. I texted big brother Toni to tell you, but he probably forgot! Monika stayed here with me, so you didn't need to. I'm sorry sorella!"

"Yeah, yeah, fine."

I run up to my room and check my weight. Thank fucking Dio, I lost five pounds this week. I'm down to 97 pounds now, but I still need to go down a lot more. Looking in the mirror now, I can still see a little bit of cellulite on my thighs. I have a few pimples on my forehead, my hair is really dull, my skin is really ashy, my eyebrows are weirdly shaped, and my eyes are a disgusting puke color. Dammit, I'm just going to go to bed now and try to forget about my flaws, but fuck if that's going to work. Why do I even exist anymore? Will this really work, or will I stay unlovable forever?

I step away from the door of my sorella's room. I know I shouldn't have, but I just had to know what was wrong with her. A few minutes ago, I was about to walk to my room with Moni (don't ask why), but I heard my sister murmuring to herself in front of her mirror. When I looked in to her room, I saw her in her bra and panties squishing her non-existent stomach. She's so skinny! _Unhealthily_ skinny, Lovi looks like a skeleton with skin draped over it. When did this happen? Mio Dio, why didn't I notice what happened to her? I'm scared of how scary her body looks! I take out my phone and dial a familiar number. "Antonio? I need to tell you something important."


End file.
